Thursday, March 22, 2012

Winter, you ignorant slut.

Would it have killed you to show up for a little while this year? Let me tell you what your selfishness resulted in, mmkay? Mmmkay.

  1. None of the critters around here hibernated. Therefore, my dogs were ape shit stupid all winter. Also? The amount of roadkill was ridiculous, and continues to be so. Last time I checked, I lived IN town, so I'm not sure how a deer was hit near my house. You gave these creatures a false sense of security, Winter. All these deaths are your fault.
  2. Since none of the critters around here hibernated, they took the time to not only heckle my pets, but to get busy having the secks. And the secks means not A baby, no no no... but LITTERS OF CRITTERS. Bob Barker can talk about spaying and neutering all he wants to, but have you ever tried to neuter a squirrel? Didn't think so.
  3. It is entirely too early in the year to be forced to wear summer clothing. People be pasty and ashy, yo. Also? You can't wear white before Easter - AND YOU KNOW THIS. 
  4. You probably fucked up the space-time continuum. 
  5. My vehicle was painted white by Ford Motor Co. Thanks to you, it is now yellow with pollen. NOT OKAY. If I wanted a yellow Expedition, that's what I would have gotten. No, no I wouldn't. I could have bought a school bus instead.
  6. Because of the "very high pollen count", I am forced to keep my kids inside, which makes me stabby. Thanks for taking away my "me time", Winter.
  7. I blame the tornadoes on you and your bitchassness.
  8. You're fired, whore. I might as well move to somewhere you don't exist, like Florida. And yep, I'll blame my frizzy afro and greasy skin on you, too. Have a nice day.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Ten years ago yesterday...

My brother and sis-in-law got married. Happy Anniversary, you crazy kids! It was lovely. It was one of the last family events that my grandparents were able to attend together and enjoy. It was also a family event in which I fell down a flight of stairs and ended up in the emergency room and high on pain meds and missed the party.

On this St. Patrick's Day, I hope the luck o'the Irish is on my side and I can keep my klutziness (yeah, it's a word, Blogger, kindly erase your red squiggly line.) in check. I made it through yesterday relatively unscathed...

May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours! 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

My Last Will and Testament

I have decided that one can die from being tired. Physically tired, mentally tired, emotionally tired, tired of bullshit, tired of crappy reality TV (HELLO, Bachelor?), tired of lack of sunshine, tired of toddlers playing in the slobbery dog bowl, tired of cleaning up dog barf and hearing said dog barf, tired of snotty attitudes, tired of the same mess magically appearing milliseconds after you cleaned it up... Do I really need to go on? I didn't think so. Anyway, I figure that since it seems I'm sprouting new sparkly hair on my head every 30 seconds, I should probably write my will since I'll look 90 by this weekend.

So, without further adieu, The Last Will and Testament of Kelly Jo Rhoades:

I, Kelly Jo Rhoades, (yeah, my middle name is Jo, shut up) being of not even close to sound mind or healthy body, do declare the following should occur upon my passing from being fucking tired:

To my loving children: There are only about three things in this house that are worth anything. It might be best to call the guys from American Pickers (you know, since they have a store in Nashville now), and see what they'd be willing to give you. And NO, my Bon Jovi/Aerosmith/Poison/Journey CDs do NOT count as antiques.

To my darling husband: I hope you have a grand time spending my life insurance money. Please make sure my eptitaph reads: "Here lies Kelly, beloved wife and mother. She's saving seats for her friends." Also, please spend the money (read: hide it in an off shore island account) before Sallie Mae comes a'knockin'.

To my beloved dogs: Let's be real. I'm not a crazy pet person who leaves shit in their will to their pets, no matter how much they're loved.

To Sallie Mae/Direct Loans/Nelnet: I wish you good luck, motherfuckers! And no, I didn't fake my own death to get out of paying back my loans, although I have contemplated it. Just kidding. Maybe.

Electronically signed this 13th of March, 2012,

Friday, March 9, 2012

Shit that gave me the giggles this week.

I've had kind of a bleh week. I guess that's what happens when you're afflicted by the plague. Combine that with arguing with The Preteen about the fact that there is no way in hell she brushed her teeth this morning while she lied to my face, I needed to go back and look at stuff I've seen this week on The Internet to give me some laughs. That, and I decided booze before noon, even though it's Friday, wouldn't be the smartest idea. See, I'm showing responsibility! Yay me! Uh...

Anyway, these are a combination of new this week and ones I have had for a while, but they all made me laugh. Happy Friday, peeps - I hope you laugh too.

First of all, who doesn't love Gene Wilder? B) I seriously laughed my ass off. Not that 18 year olds can't have outstanding political points, and I admire the passion, I just remember what were my priorities when I was 18, and it certainly wasn't political agendas or damning the man.

This needs no caption. Nice legs, POTUS. Those heels are workin' those calves!

This is precisely why I don't have cats. Well, not precisely why. If it was precisely why, that cat wouldn't have shredded toilet paper, but pissed on a couch.

This is why I have children.


It is written, it is written indeed.

Right? Boppin' field mice on the head is bad juju, Foo Foo.

Your mom jokes bring me such joy.

I might have peed my pants a little when I saw this. Thanks, childbirth.

Happy Friday! I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! We're supposedly going to a car show. There'd better be beer, or I might have to run to REI and buy a tent and occupy the shit out off it. xoxoxo

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Blame this post on Twitter. Sad turns to mad, which turns to action.

NCIS is one of my favorite shows, even though I'm super behind in the series. The story lines are usually great, the cast is superb, and can Gibbs and DiNozzo get any sexier? I think not. But really, Abby is the reason I watch. It is so refreshing and inspiring to see a strong female character breaking barriers. Abby is smart, stubborn, fiercely loving and lovable, and loyal to a fault. She's real. I just love her to pieces. AND, thanks to the interwebs and the twitter, I am able to learn more about the actress that plays her, Pauley Perrette.

Pauley has been all over twitter this morning sharing facts about stalking, as she has a stalker who has been harassing (for lack of a better word) her to the point where she is ready to leave the country. And due to stalking laws, not much can be done. Pauley relies on her faith, her fiance, and her strength to get her through. Insanely admirable.

I cannot fathom what it is like to attempt to sleep at night knowing you are the object of someone's obsession. I mean, I've been through some crap in my short life, stuff that I tend to relive, but they were isolated incidents that screwed me up some. Being in a situation that is constant, whether it be stalking, domestic violence, sexual harassment, etc. - my mind, heart, and stomach hurt for them. Living through an isolated incident - you have the choice whether to be a victim or to survive. A lingering situation does not give you that freedom.

Today is International Women's Day. Learn something today. Educate someone else. Hug your daughters and your sisters and your mothers. Teach your daughters and your nieces to be strong, vibrant, independent women who know their self-worth.

This seems a little scattered, and I must say that I do not claim that only women deal with these situations - I know better - but I just needed to say something, as my life has changed a little bit this morning. All because of the twitter.

I really need to find my funny again.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I'm so calling it in today.

We don't have school today because the school is a voting site, so I took the opportunity to take some pictures of what our house looks like on a day off from school. For those of you who saw them on Facebook, you will look at them again! And marvel at the cuteness of my children! And the disaster area known as my living room.

Shit everywhere, cartoons on, a screaming boy, and a girl with a bucket on her head. Life at my house.

This dog is large. My kid is two seconds from collapsing the basket in this picture. He survived.

Take one more fucking picture of me and I'll slowly get up and walk away because I don't move very fast and I wouldn't hurt a fly.

I'll patiently wait for you to get the clothes basket off your butt  so you can get up and feed me. "I'm watching Wizards of Waverly Place. You've got a good 23 minutes to wait."



Mom is so going to show this picture when I get a girfriend. And when I graduate. And when I get married, isn't she? Yep. Yep I am.

DO MY BIDDING, MINION! (I'm so glad you're home today.)

After a short intermission, we will return you to your regularly scheduled program of yelling, throwing, wrasslin', and other boy stuff.

Sissy, did you know you have a bucket on your head? AND THAT I WANTED TO SIT HERE?

Annnnnnnnnnnd, it's nap time. 

Thank heavens.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Parenting at it's finest - Take 1

It has come to my attention that we (read: me) have been somewhat slacking on the consistency part of parenting lately. Now, don't get me wrong, Hubs doesn't even know the meaning of consistent (bless him), but I've come to the conclusion that picking my battles helps with my anxiety and chills me the fuck out a little bit.  That being said, the following is a list of things that I probably should work a little harder on with my children lest they become feral and I have to let them out into the wild:

  • Allowing The Preteen to watch Hubs play Zombie Island or some shit on the xbox where they use choice phrases as "they all a bunch of dead zombie muthafuckas" and "fucking fuck we gwine die!" She loves watching her dad play video games, but this should probably cease and desist, even though she says "Mom, I know not to use those words. Besides, I hear them on the bus anyway." /facepalm
  • Letting Captain Awesome crawl on and sit/stand on the coffee table. Seriously, he gets up there every five minutes, and if I ignore it, he eventually gets down...
  • Deciding fig newtons and popcorn are acceptable meals.
  • Pajamas are the new daywear.
  • I've left the front door unlocked and found him in the front yard waving at cars.
  • The toy room looks like a nuclear bomb site - always. I see no point in picking it up because it will be trashed in seconds after he wakes up.
  • Nick Jr (who I am really pissed off at for getting rid of Moose and Zee AND Jack's Big Music Show) and Disney Junior (who our fucking crappy cable company will not get the Disney Junior Channel, the fucking Nazis) have been teaching him more than I have.
  • I have threatened to UPS both of them to Zimbabwe lately more times than I'd like to admit.
On the other hand...
  • I just sat through Justin Bieber: Never Say Never because I love The Preteen so much.
  • I watch Backyardigans ad nauseum because I love Captain Awesome so much.
  • I fucking love pajamas.
  • My kids are loved, borderline spoiled rotten, and are the moon to my sun. 
Now excuse me while I go yell at one to rebrush her teeth and smother her with kisses, and then peek on my angel boy sleeping and hope I don't stub my toe on all the crap on his floor.