Let's Do The Time Warp Againnnnnnnn...

I've always thought it interesting that one time span can simultaneously go by super fast and excruciatingly slow.  Today, five years ago, I married my Hubs.  It was a crazy week that included "yes, you're getting married", "no, you're not getting married", "you're deploying on Friday.  No, Tuesday.  No, Thursday.  No, Friday.  Friday.  Promise."  And then it ended up being Saturday.  Anyone you know get married on a Thursday?  Now you do.  Me.

You see, Hubs and I decided to tie the knot pre-deployment rather than post because Violet was going to be staying with me.  By myself.  With a just-turned-six year old.  Not only was my love headed to a war zone, I had to figure out how to be a single parent, and figure it out now.  She had been staying with us a whole three weeks at this point.  We were in a routine.  We meaning the three of us.  Now shit was going to change.  Single parent. Single disciplinarian. Feeling like I didn't know my ass from my elbow.  And I didn't.  But we made it up as we went along, waiting not-so-patiently for calls from Daddy.  Those calls and webcam chats were so special - she got time with her dad, and I got some reassurance that he was okay and that he thought I wasn't screwing up his kid.

The last five years have been full of laughter and tears and worries and heartache, moving and meeting people and saying goodbye, finding where the commissary and PX and Walmart and Target and Starbucks are, looking for jobs, having a baby, being a stay-at-home mom, volunteering, being homesick, enjoying new adventures, finding myself and losing myself and finding myself again, being insanely proud of my Soldier and becoming even more of a patriot.  There have been times I've questioned choosing this life, but no matter how hard and stressful and less-than-perfect it may be, I know in my heart I am where I am supposed to be.

I love you, Hubs.  It's been a crazy ride.  I can't wait to see what is around the next corner for us.

Stuff I Wish I Could Say Out Loud: The Family Edition.

To my son:  "You are why we can't have the nice things.  Don't worry, next week, when the bullmastiff puppy we just adopted gets here, HE will be the reason why we can't have nice things.  But for now, it's you.  Fucking knock it off.  Quit touching shit.  Stop reprogramming the remote because I can't figure it out and then we have to wait for your dad to get home to fix it.  When you've got diarrhea, please lie still while I'm changing your diaper; it is NOT the time to make sure your balls are still attached.

To the lady at Walmart who seems to be the only checker working every time I go: "Yep, I used to live in Barstow, California.  Yes, I remember that you used to live there, too.  How many fucking people do you think live in Clarksville, Tennessee that have a Barstow, CA address on their driver's license?  Am I that forgettable?  Thanks for carding me, though."

To my daughter:  "Today, you were the funnest kid alive.  Please don't be an asshole tomorrow, okay?  I need some consistency."

To my husband:  "Maybe the reason your stomach hurts is that you are lactose intolerant and you just drank a glass of milk.  Or maybe it's the beer you had after it.  I'm sure you wouldn't drink a combination of beer and milk, but that's just what you gave your stomach.  If I were your stomach, I'd hate you too.  I do know that I hate the smell eeking out of your ass.  Next time, you might as well eat a dozen deviled eggs on top of it.  Swamp ass is not sexy."

To my dog who has no idea we're getting a puppy:  "Shit's gonna change around here.  You're gonna hate it.  You'll get over it.  You'll still be my favorite as long as you stop acting like a douchecanoe.  Stop the barking, stop the begging, stop the whining, if you're sick of the toddler, go where he can't reach you.  And please, stop eating random shit outside and barfing it on the floor."

To my husband and my daughter:  "Stop fucking looking for Christmas presents.  We have no storage in this house, and shit is hard to hide.  I actually am almost done shopping before December for the first time in my life.  Every time someone finds a hidden present, Santa kills a reindeer.  You don't want that on your conscience, do you?"

My husband should trade me in for a new model: Episode 3

I don't even know what to say to get this ball rolling, except I'm seriously considering attempting these "suggestions" and documenting the Hubs' reaction, which may be even funnier than this bullshit this woman is trying to schlep.  

1.  WRITE A NOTE ON THE STEAMED-UP BATHROOM MIRROR: While your husband is showering, sneak in and write, "I love you" on the steamed-up bathroom mirror. This will steam him up as well, especially if you seal it with your lip prints! Hmm.  I guess part A of this idea is kind of sweet.  Except when you're a little OCD about things and know that it will leave marks on the mirror when the steam evaporates.  And then you have to clean it.  And even though you're OCD, you hate to clean and it causes this vicious cycle that inevitably ends up with you eating something you shouldn't.  Besides, Hubs showers at about 0345 every morning, and I'm not getting out of warmth and comfort to go scribble on the mirror.  As far as kissing the mirror goes?  Getting up on the sink to perform such a sweet act would be an interesting story to tell the paramedics when I most likely slip and fall and break my face on the faucet.

2.  PUT LOVE IN HIS SUDS: I'm talking about a bar of soap! Scratch "I love you" into his soap so he'll find it the next time he showers. (You may not want to seal this note with your lip prints, though).  She's witty, no?  First of all, who uses bar soap anymore unless you're camping, deployed, or are too much of a man to use a loofah?  And seriously, if you actually say you're too much of a man to use one, I'd bet there's one in your shower.  And you use it.  Even though it's your wife's.  It's no secret that mine smells like Old Spice Swagger when I get around to showering.  Besides, even if he DID use bar soap, I highly doubt he's inspecting it before he shoves it in his armpit. 

3.  PUT A SIGN IN YOUR YARD: Place a sign in your yard such as, "THE WORLD'S GREATEST HUSBAND LIVES HERE." Let everyone know how special your husband is to you. Where does this woman live?  Disneyland?  Seriously?  This just, man, I almost simultaneously choked and peed at the same time after reading this one.  No one is going to drive past your house with a big "AWW", they're going to think that some fricking nutjobs live on their street.  You might as well buy a powerwasher to battle the certain eggings that will happen, and not just on Halloween.

4.  LET BYGONES BE BYGONES: If your husband has done or said something to hurt you, forgive him. Don't keep bringing up the past every time you get into a disagreement, especially if he has shown remorse.  This is probably actually some sound advice.  Except if I let bygones be bygones, I wouldn't have any leverage or potential blog material.  And I do forgive.  But I don't forget.  Because someday that shit is gonna be funny, and I'm. Telling. EVERYONE.

My husband should trade me in for a new model: Episode 2.

Okay folks, time for the second installment on how to get fired from being a wife:

1. MAKE YOUR HOME HIS REFUGE: Let your home be a haven were your husband can retreat from the stresses of life. Do your best to make it a pleasant environment. Well, in all honesty, he does have a refuge. We have a bonus room in the house where the big tv and the playstation is. And it's not so much a place to retreat as it is to hide from the kids and the mess and the cartoons and the yelling and the whining and the tantrums and (do you see where I'm going with this? We have kids. And a dog. There is no such thing as an entire home having a pleasant environment at this time in our lives.)

2. CHECK BEFORE THROWING THINGS AWAY: If your husband has some things that seem useless to you, don't trash them until you've made sure he doesn't need them. But you just told me to create a "pleasant environment"! And having shit lying around is not pleasant! Seriously, Captain Obvious, if there is something work-related or I don't know what it is, I don't throw it away without asking, but I'll remind you that I'm married to someone who thinks that putting trash on the counter BY the trash can is throwing it away.


3. GIVE HIM A ROMANTIC CARD: Don't wait for a special occasion to give him a card. Find the most romantic card you can find and leave it in his car. Don't forget to add your own personal message! Maybe you'll even make him nervous, wondering if he forgot an anniversary! Oh, so now just signing my name isn't enough? What if the card said everything I needed it to? Wait. A card? You want me to buy a romantic card. I need to stop laughing and wipe the tears away before I can type any further. Obviously this woman works for Hallmark, not Bluntcard.

4. LET HIM BUY THAT TOY: Permit him to buy that toy he's been wanting so badly. Better yet, put some of your own things off, save the money and buy it for him yourself! Permit him?? That would insinuate he asks permission before he buys the next Call of Duty, SOCOM, or Battlefield. And put some of my own things off? Lady, go run around this house real quick and tell me what I've bought for myself lately besides shampoo. Go on. I'll wait.

5. RUB HIS FEET: Steer him to the recliner and pull off his shoes. Rub his feet for at least 20 minutes. It has been told that this may even improve his health! I. Don't. Do. Feet. I don't even like my OWN feet. He wants his feet rubbed, he can go get a pedicure. Or hell, make one of the kids do it. Isn't that why we have kids? To do the stuff we don't want to? Like pick up dog poop in the backyard.

6. MAKE YOUR BEDROOM A LOVER'S PARADISE: Turn your ordinary bedroom into any lover's dream without a lot of expense. Remove clutter and anything that doesn't belong, and replace it with scented candles and fresh flowers. Hang pretty curtains and find some comfy bedding. Place mirrors to reflect candlelight, and misting fountains for a romantic effect. Oh, where to begin... Scented candles, fresh flowers, pretty curtains, mirrors, and misting fountains - what smut novel are we living in? This sounds something straight out of Lady Chatterly rather than "I can't wait for the kids to go to bed so we can too, and maybe if we both can muster up the energy we'll do it quick and then fall asleep by 930." Besides, if either he or I walked in to a bedroom that was set up like that, I'm certain we'd burn more calories laughing than having sex.

There's more. Lots more. I think I'll probably be divorced by the end of the week, at this rate.

My husband should trade me in for a new model: Episode 1

So, I was spending quality time on ye olde Pinterest this morning, and came across this blog that had "101 Ways to Be Nice to Your Husband" or some shit like that.  So, I clicked on it.  And what I read made me simultaneously choke on my coffee and wonder why I'm still married, since according to this blog I fall into the "shittiest wife alive" category.  This is evidenced by the following:

1. TEXT HIM A LOVE MESSAGE: Send him a romantic text message on his cell. Make sure it's sweet but spicy! Okay.  I text him "love you" all the time.  I'm so sweet.  Spicy via text?  Uh, I know the guys he works with.  I also know they get a hold of his phone occasionally.  Probably not going to happen.  The last three text conversations with Hubs? 
1. Him: Bring me a beer upstairs, will you? Me: Get it yourself, asshat.
2. Him: Want to order a pizza? Me: Yesssssssssss.
3. Me: We're out of beer. Him: You go get it. Me: Fuck you.  You go get it. Him: Please? Me: Fiiiiiiiiiiiine.
2. DO ONE OF HIS CHORES FOR HIM: Pick a chore that he dreads, such as mowing the lawn, and do it for him. Watch him as he sighs with relief. Eh, well, I'm a stay at home mom.  I do all the chores.  With the exception of the lawn, and occasionally he'll take out the trash.  PS - he LIKES to mow.  He was pissed that I hired it done while he was deployed in case they (you know, the professionals) should screw it up.
3. START A HOBBY TOGETHER: Sharing a hobby together such as horse back riding, completing a home improvement project, or selling on eBay can help keep you close. Ok, we don't have a horse, we don't own our house, and we attempted selling shit on eBay rather than having a yard sale and almost killed each other in the process.  What we do together is drink beer and watch football.  Hobby?  I'm counting it.

Folks, it just keeps getting better.  Stay tuned for episode two.  I'd better stock up on the tissues for when the new wife shows up.  And the champagne.