I need minions. WHY DON'T I HAVE MINIONS???

Really, I don't neeeeeeeeeed minions.  I fricking WANT them.  Like right now, some of them would be folding the mountain of laundry and putting it away, some would be deep cleaning the kitchen (to include cleaning out the fridge - I haaaaaate that job), some would be scrubbing The Hubs' bathroom (because you can't pay me enough to clean that nasty ass germ factory - and no, I don't use it, therefore, I don't clean it), some would be going through all the shit in the garage that still needs gone through, some would be taking down the Christmas decorations that are still up, and most importantly...

SOME WOULD GO TO STARBUCKS FOR ME.  WHENEVER I WANTED THEM TO.  And they'd never need to ask what I wanted, because they're my fucking minions, so they already know.

Ahh... the thought is just so delicious.  And when I say "minion", I don't mean the little yellow-goggle-wearing things from Despicable Me (which I hated, and I think I'm the only person who didn't like that movie), but cabana boys.  Scantily clad cabana boys.  Foldin' up the laundry.  Mmm... mama likey.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

I don't remember seeing ducks in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

So because I can be an ass, and I love my friends from Tha Dirtay Jerz, I had to start some shit when I saw that there were Bumpits on sale for $3.75, because you know everyone looks like Snooki in New Jersey.  Except my friends.  And Chris Christie.  Dude totally needs a Bumpit.  I can hardly type right now I'm laughing so hard imagining him wearing a a Bumpit.  And a Mystic Tan.  And taking a picture of himself with a cell phone making a duck face.

Can't... brreeeeeeeeeeeeathe...

Haaaaaaaaah! Thanks, Pinterest!

Okay, here's how it is:  STOP with the Oompa Loompa Mystic Tan Duckface business!!!  The following images, while seared on my brain forever so it's not an issue, should never be forgotten as so not to make a huge fashion fuck-up:

Thankfully, I don't know who these people are.  I totally stole this off Pinterest.  Well, not stole, it was free.  Anyway, this is a prime example of "Oompa Loompa Duckface - You're Doing It Wrong".  

I don't think any more needs to be said about this one. Thanks, Pinterest?

Stop the insanity!  Where is Susan Powter when we need her and her platinum buzz cut?

Eat, Breathe, Move, Duckface? Thanks, Google Images!

Well, hell, I just shot myself in the ass with that, didn't I?  Well, who said she was stable anyway?  Stop your own insanity, SP!

It's Monday.  And Captain Awesome has watched Tangled approximately 1749817 times this weekend.  And wants to watch it again.  Someone shoot me in the face and pass the coffee.  And cheesecake.

When predicting the end of the world, is the third time the charm?

Aw, hell, y'all... evidently the Rapture is happening THIS weekend.  For real this time.  I guess the last two times what's his face predicted the end, those were just dress rehearsals.  Can you call something a "dress" rehearsal when you get sucked into oblivion naked?  I just don't understand how people actually think this guy is legit!  How does this guy have followers?  He must make some uh-maaaaaaazing kool-aid.  This is just another reason why I really don't like people so much.

Anyway, in the event the Rapture does happen (and you KNOW that I'm poofin' up with the best of 'em... I am, right?), I will need someone to go to Nashville to pick up my clothes that will inevitably be left behind.  And since I spent good money on that ball gown (not so much the shoes, you can donate those), I'd appreciate it if someone would not leave it on the dance floor or in some bar on Broadway.

I certainly hope that when I do poof, that I magically get the body of Anne Hathaway or someone equally hot.  Because if not, I'm just not going to be okay with going naked.  I don't need worldly possessions, but a t-shirt and some yoga pants would be nice.