Super Bowl Goodies Mean I Fast Until Sunday...

Oh my goodness, y'all - we're throwing a Super Bowl party this year, and I am so excited!  Not so much to scrub my house like the Queen is coming over, but to cook all sorts of deliciousness for our guests.  And there had better be leftovers, dammit.  You think I kid?  Don't think I won't hide something in the laundry room...

I don't have pictures to post, as I am not The Pioneer Woman, although if Ree were to invite me over to hang out, I'd probably have to change my pants I'd be so excited.  I love her to pieces, and well, she's just brilliant.  And I would love to have Charlie and Walter move in.  Basset Hounds make the world go 'round.  It's true.

Anyway...  I'm going to have big kids and little kids at this partay (hey, ho), so I needed to have my menu be somewhat little-kid friendly (there's always pb and j or mac and cheese should all else fail).  I asked The Preteen what she wanted to have, and her only request be that there be pickles available.  So I suppose I really can't screw this up too badly.

Appetizers:

Ugly Dip
Reuben Dip w/Rye Bread
Buffalo Chicken Dip
Beer Cheese Dip
A shit ton of tortilla chips
Veggie Tray
Cheese/Crackers

Real(?) Food:
Ham and Swiss sliders
BBQ meatballs and Lil' Smokies

Desserty Type Noms:
Red Velvet Gooey Butter Cookies (THAT'S WHAT'S UP!)
Football brownies

I think that pretty much covers it.  If you're dying to know the recipes, let me know.  I'm sure I stole them from someone sometime, but they've been in my kitchen for so long, eff the copyright. ;)

Maybe I should actually buy real food that only my family is going to eat too on this trip...

Direct deposited tax refunds complete me.

Okay, so since I didn't work this year (not by choice... well, kind of by choice, the only job I was granted an interview for wanted me to be on call 24/7 and with the kidlets and the Hubs' erratic work schedule, that's just not possible, so I had to decline), and with Hubs being deployed for half the year, our refund is enough to make me feel like I'm a kid and it's November and the JC Penney "Big Toy Book" just came out.  Yeah, I'm excited.

Of course, me being me - you know, practical and guilt-ridden - I'll pay off the little bit we have on the credit cards, the dogs need beds and shots, Violet needs new shoes, Quinn needs pants that actually cover his ankles, etc.  But THEN?  Oh, yes... it's all about frivolous retail therapy.  I'm shivering with anticipation.

Number 1 on the list - gym membership.  Paid a year in advance.  WUT?  Oh yes.  I know that I have exercise equipment upstairs that I'm learning to like (gasp!), but this way I'll actually get some adult interaction and not be forced to only use said equipment when Quinn is napping or down for the night, because they have daycare, yo!  ALSO?  They have this THEATER full of cardio equipment that you can use while you watch a fricking MOVIE.  Popcorn and soda not provided.  Sneak yours in at your own risk.  There may or may not be a pat down for smuggled-in Junior Mints.

TWO:  FINALLY (well not finally, it hasn't been that long, obviously since I'm not due for an upgrade yet), I'm getting a new phone!  One that won't get hot (as in battery melting hot) when I charge it or when it's just effing sitting there.  If I get cancer of the ear, let me tell you - I'm hiring Misty, and shit's going down.  So readers, I ask you, what phone can I not live without?  I currently run on Android, but I have mad love for Apple, I've never used a Windows phone - so educate me and tell me what phone you have, the pros and cons, and SELL IT.

C:  I think that Hubs and I are finally going to take a honeymoon this summer.  It will most likely be with the youngest in tow (Violet will be at her mom's), but still fun.  We're talking about going to Florida for a few days, get some sun, become bronzed, maybe Disney, not real sure yet.  What would be super great is if Quinn could go to my folks (or them here so I don't have to board the dogs, wink wink nudge nudge) so I can do nothing but sit in the sand with fruity concoctions for a few days.  Why Kelly, are you planning on spending your entire vacation shithoused if there are no children involved?  Yes, yes I am. Not only is it long overdue, it will helpfully let me forget that I'm not wearing much for clothes and I can enjoy myself.  Beach vacation + horrible body image = have to be drunk to relax.  Sad, but true.  Now where's that mai tai...

I'm so crafty, I invented a holiday.

Well, not really.  I'm letting Violet skip school today Violet has appointments all day.  We haven't seen Hubs since Sunday afternoon, and he finally made it home last night after a whole bunch of fuckery that required, well, I just get pissed when I think about it, so let's just say because of one person's fuck up, they all got punished.

Anyway, we decided that since she got straight A's (HOLLA!) that school wasn't necessary today.  And if the danged dogs didn't need to pee, I would have been able to sleep until 830!!!  Alas, I was up at 630.  At least I got to enjoy some coffee and TV that is NOT NickJr in relative silence.  I even got 30 minutes to ogle listen to Bill Hemmer this morning.  Yep, I watch Fox.  I'm moderately conservative, and well, really, I just can't stand the anchors on the other news channels, I hate GMA and Today, and don't get me started on our local channels.  This is where I'd talk about the wonderment that is KTLA and how much I miss the LA morning shows and how awesome it is to have weathermen with names like Dallas Raines and Lance Mountain, but I'd be digressing.

Wow.  Okay, so the whole point of this was to say that we're all home today, and feeling better, and are looking forward to a day of just hanging out with each other.  It's been a while.  I hope everyone has a great weekend - I'm hoping for some sun, since it's been a freaking week, and it's really wreaking havoc on my mood.

Also?  There's some red velvet cheesecake brownie swirl things on the agenda.  Yeah, I said it.

Wishes I wish that require a genie.

I wish my dogs' farts smelled like baked goods rather than rotten eggs.  I'm afraid the stench is being absorbed into every fiber in this house.  Permanently.

I wish The Jetsons' way of life was real.  Now.

I wish Merry Maids would show up.  For free.

I wish Mary Poppins would land in my backyard.  So I could shower whenever I felt like it, not just when the little one is caged asleep.

I wish I could snap my fingers and I'd be showered, coiffed, and presentable.  I desperately need a shower, but I don't have the energy.  And it's not even 8 am.  Sad.

I wish traveling by floo powder was an actual possibility.

I wish my Christmas decorations would take themselves down.  They'll be down by February.  I'm sure of it.  Maybe.

I wish it was time for an upgrade on my phone.

I wish I had something witty to share this morning.  Alas, I don't.  I'm kind of in a funk.  I wish I could find my funny.  It's probably hiding behind all the crap that needs cleaned in this house.  But no worries, I'm gonna make this place shiiiiiiiiiiiine like the top of the Chrysler Building!  And the sun will come out tomorrow, Amen.

Vagina = Virginia? It does in our house.

Last night, I had "THE TALK", and it didn't require pickling my liver afterwards!  Surprisingly, it went really well.  And, I found out that even though fifth graders sit in the back of the bus, there's no sexually inappropriate business (talk or actions) going on (prayer works, people!).  And I believe her, since A) she's a huge nark, and 2) she can't fake not knowing stuff like that.  I can read her like a book, which really pisses her off.  Heh.

Really, it was more about the girly business that is headed our way like a runaway freight train rather than the sex part, but since she FINALLY asked how babies are made, I told her.  And didn't even vomit in my mouth.  Not once.  Instead of giving a lecture, or reading off the Tampax website, I just answered her questions.

She did think that when I said "vagina" I said "Virginia", which led her to declare that her vag is now named after one of the 50 states.  It also led to a greatly needed laugh session, because a) who doesn't name their vagina, and II) nothing like busting up the potentially most awkward discussion of your life (besides telling your boyfriend you've got the herpies or the clap) with a good laugh.

DISCLAIMER:  My vagina does not have a name.  Nor will I be throwing any "WELCOME TO WOMANHOOD!" parties.  I do reserve the right to drink as though I'm throwing a frat house kegger once we're on the same cycle and PMSing at the same time.

My epitaph: She Was Fucking Tired.

Can you die from lack of sleep?  Because I think that's exactly what's going to happen today.  My insomnia is back (that's what happens when you run out of the good pills and your doctor recommends mela-fucking-tonin instead of a refill "just to see how it works") with a vengeance.  Okay, so I admit, I haven't exactly tried the melatonin yet, so I shouldn't rag on it.  Why haven't I tried it?  Well, I just got some yesterday (was kind of hoping the exercise would kick the not being able to fall asleep to the curb, but not so much), and when I was thinking about taking it, I remembered that we were to have severe weather late in the night.  Last thing I need is to be sleeping so soundly I don't hear Jim Cantone call me to tell me I'm about to be transported to Oz via tornado.  Turns out the phone did ring several times in the night due to various warnings and shit, but after watching the news, the hairy shit was southeast enough of us we'd thankfully be  missed.  (Keeping the families of the two who died in Alabama storms last night in our prayers.)

So bad weather over at about 0220 this morning, I crawl back in bed, get my covers back from the Hubs, and get into "my spot", and Captain Awesome lets out a blood-curdling scream.  Like "MOM I'M BEING ATTACKED BY MUTANT SCORPIONS" scream.  Turns out when you refuse to eat your dinner, you get a little hungry in the middle of the night. (NO WAY.) So a sippy cup of milk later, some snuggles, and it's back to bed for me, to realize in about 6 minutes THE FUCKING ALARM CLOCK is going to go off for Hubs to get to work at zero dark thirty.  Alarm goes off, he goes to work, cries ensue from Quinn's room, cries stop (molars are fucking KILLING me, y'all)... long story long, I fell asleep about 430.  To be up at 615 with a mastiff nose snuffling my face.

Such was my night.  All thoughts of being productive have gone out the window.  Bonus to all this malarkey is I finally got the hall closet cleaned out since it is our tornado shelter... but now I have to put all that shit back.  Balls.

I'd better take advantage of Quinn's naptime today and snooze myself because tonight?  I get to talk to The Preteen about periods and how babies are made.  I know you're insanely jealous.  Stay tuned, because the recap of tonight is sure to be full of embarrassing hilarity (read: I'm winging this shit.).

Eff today. Right in the ear.

I am so tired of us being sick!  As soon as one gets better, the other one gets it, and it is really wreaking havoc on my usual rainbows and unicorns shooting out of my ass mood.  Feverish little boys who don't sleep well but really want to play and get really ornery and their ears stop working require more coffee than I've consumed today so far.  Why haven't I had any coffee?  Because I've been busy cleaning up dumped out spit cups (THANK you, Hubs), cleaning up the above-mentioned feverish boy who thought "Oh lookie!  A puddle of goo for me to stomp, splatter, and sit in!", furiously mopping to keep said kid out of mess, pushing dogs aside rather unsuccessfully (since one got a mouthful), and then cleaning up dog barf from said mouthful.

THEN... Captain Not-So-Awesome, decided that it would be FUN to take off his diaper -which he had freshly filled with poop- and scatter it around the house.  Try keeping two dogs from eating turds, while getting a new diaper on the kid (cleaning up pee is NOT on my list of things I want to do today), trying to find all the poop, hoping none rolled into the heat vents, and eventually thinking "Well, we'll know when it starts to FUCKING REEK in here later..."

This sounds like I'm complaining.  I am.  I love being a mom and being able to stay at home with my kids, but mornings like this make me yearn for sitting in a boring-ass meeting with coffee that hasn't had a chance to get cold, or being on Facebook during work hours.  I know that soon this morning will be a hilarious memory, but right now it sucks.  And I'm out of booze.  AGAIN.

Here's to a calmer afternoon!  Have a great weekend!