Tuesday, September 13, 2011

On the eve of the 35th anniversary of the day of my birth...

So, this is it.  The last day of my 34th year.  I don't know what it is about turning 35, but I don't fucking like it.  Not one little bit.  I didn't care so much about 30, but THIRTY FUCKING FIVE?  Balls.

Anyway, here's the newest installation of things I've learned lately.  I'm not getting smarter as I'm getting older.  Rather unfortunate.

1.  Drinking a bottle of wine is fine.  Followed by a couple of beers, not so much.  Because you don't remember to take the advil, and taking the advil is of utmost importance, you asshat, unless you want to wonder who's cat shit in your mouth last night.

2.  Your kid is usually the has the most adorable expression on his face when he's doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing.  Like trying to take the lampshade off the lamp, or trying to get his pants off, or trying to pick your nose.  You can pick your nose, but not your friend's nose, kid, and that includes your mom's nose.  Besides, you don't let me trim your nails unless you're asleep, and I think you just shredded my brain.
3.  Having a mini mental meltdown in Walmart results in your husband cleaning the kitchen, making microwavable dinners, and washing black and white clothes together.  Have another laundry lesson before next meltdown, or he'll wash your wool sweater.  Again.  Hey, at least the dog will have a new sweater.  Or use it for a baby shower gift.  Because newborns need wool sweaters...?

4.  The news tells me using hot sauce as a punishment for wayward children is a no-no according to the Court.  Bitches said NOTHING about sticking the Dawn bottle in their mouth, did they?  

5.  When your husband asks you if you will help clean out the garage, tell him that you have a splinter, you accidentally shredded your hand in the disposal, you are rendered temporarily paralyzed - something - because it will only result in you tearing apart the garage to throw away two fricking boxes of crap and putting everything pretty much back exactly where it was because "we spent money on this, I'd hate to throw it away."  And you're the new episode of Hoarders, honey.  Get A&E on speed dial.  This is important.

6.  Going to bed wearing a Breathe Right strip (which are the most amazing things in the world) may not be sexy, but neither is snoring.  However, you might not want to pick a night that your husband has been drinking and is being a clown because there could be pictures on someone's iPhone that could potentially end up on Facebook.

And that sums up my newest knowledge.  Let's hope year 35 (I throw up a little when I say that) proves to be more academic, in that life lesson way.


  1. I was trying to throw away random old papers/bills that were sitting on the counter yesterday and J followed me to the trashcan so he could look at what I threw away. Now, imagine this with actual STUFF. I tell him he is a hoarder all the time. He thinks I'm kidding, but I'm totally not!

    35 ain't so bad. Especially when you don't look a day over 25! Holla! Happy birthday, hoe!

  2. Happy Birthay to you, despite your obviously wary view of the upcoming age change!
    In celebration of the fifth anniversary of your 30th I feel compelled to inform you why you are awesome. I stumbled upon your blog two days ago (an epically long and horrible day from the 10th level of hell) and it made me laugh so hard I almost vomited. Laughter is in fact the best medicine if your affliction is a day orchestrated by demons. So, that being said, you are awesome because you bandaided my sucky day with your hilarious blog. Therefore you get my utmost thanks.
    So enjoy YOUR day with the knowledge that you took the suck out of someone else's. Have a great one!

  3. Happy friggin' birthday!! I hear you on the turning 35 thing. It just felt . . . irrevocable. Like now I'm really on my way to 40, and we all know that beyond that lies death!! So, I'm feeling your pain is what I'm saying.

    Oh, and all fantastic points you have made. You definitely have learned some lessons in your 35 years on this earth. Good stuff!!