Dear Neighbor...

Your "For Rent" sign brings me complete and utter JOY.  I really don't think I've ever been so excited at the prospect of new neighbors, well, ever.  No, wait.  The creeper who lived across the hall (one of the 812748 different apartments I had in college) - I was really happy to see him go.  I was really happy to leave the house I lived in where my neighbors had a load of chickens (who decided they liked living in my garage rather than their coop) and blasted mariachi music at 6 am on Sunday mornings.  But you guys, who I've never actually seen, I'm happy to see you go.  I wish you well, just hurry up already!  Your house has been for rent for at least a month now - WHEN ARE YOU GOING?

I've attempted to be neighborly; when I see the many random teenagers that leave your house, I wave and smile.  Since I've never seen you, and you don't answer your door, even when I'm in crisis, AND I saw you sitting on your couch watching tv, just NOT answering the door, I can't really be friendly to YOU, can I?  I've never called the ASPCA or animal control on you even though your dog is severely emotionally neglected.  You feed and water him, sure, but do you love your dog?  There has to be a reason he tries to constantly come in my yard.  There has to be a reason he HOWLS when I bring my dog in at night.  There has to be a reason he picked 0130 this morning to bark for AN HOUR.  Do you bring him inside when it's beastly hot?  When it rained for 5 days straight?  When we've had tornado warning after tornado warning?  Let me answer for you - NO YOU DON'T.  My daughter notices how you treat your "pet", and she is afraid that you are going to move and leave him in the backyard.

If a dog does not fit your lifestyle, for the love of GOD, find him a new home!  A home where someone will love on that poor dog and make him a part of your family - LIKE A PET IS SUPPOSED TO BE!  I would be more than happy to care for your obviously depressed dog.  In fact, I've already named him.  So, if you would be so kind to leave me Chester's papers and leash, you can leave now.

Sincerely,
Your incredibly disgusted neighbor