Where's the sign up sheet for straitjacket fittings?

Yay, a post! In bullet format. Because I'm too tired and lazy today for a proper introduction. Or a complete sentence, it appears. I'll discuss my absence from ye olde blog later. Oh yay! A complete sentence! Uh...

Thoughts as of late:

• I wonder if some nighttime Triaminic accidentally got into someone's applesauce if he'd actually take a nap today.
• Dog, one of your balls is bigger than the other. How do I know this? They're on my leg. FUCK! YOUR BALLS ARE ON MY LEG! GETEMOFF! GETEMOFF! 
• I wish it would snow.
• I think my power animal is a sloth.
• I ate enough at lunch to feed Oprah's school in wherever for a, well, meal?
• I'd really like to get paid to tweet. I can promote something! How about the phone number for Binder and Binder? Or Taxmasters? Or the transvaginal mesh and mesothelioma lawyers? 
• I could really use a cabana boy to fan me and bring me fruity drinks today. 
• You'd think by now Febreze could create a formula that could cover the smell of both dog and grown man ass.
• I am officially addicted to Nutella. And that dark chocolate peanut butter I found at Publix. Holy Manna From Supermarket.
• The seat coolers in my car trick me into thinking I peed my pants.
• I want my husband to experience back labor for just one day.
• My son discovered, much to his chagrin, that the dog's nose does not honk like mommy's.
• Whoever decided to give Toodles on MMCH a voice should die a thousand deaths.
• ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK GO KU!!!