All these different feelings, emotions, facets of me are pulling in different directions, and it is exhausting. It is 8:53 and I'm ready for bed. I never used to even think about going out until 11:00. I'm tired of being tired.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Nighttime is the worst part of deployment. My husband is gone, the kids are asleep, the house is quiet, and all I want to do is eat. I emotional eat like you wouldn't believe. And as much as it fucking pisses me off that I do, do I stop? Hell naw. It's one habit I'm really looking forward to breaking. I'm trying to drink some water, but who wants water when there's queso in the fridge? Why do I even make it? Why do I sabotage myself? When did food become a refuge? I guess I can look at it that once I start the plan (and I pray my bloodwork comes out fine so I can start) I am not allowed to eat junk (or much of anything, actually, but more on that later). Right now, there's nothing stopping me. Pretty soon it will be my checkbook, and my determination. But loneliness is kind of kicking determination's ass tonight.