Thursday, January 12, 2012

Welcome to Barnum and Bailey's! I mean, my house.

So as you all know, my little family consists of me and The Hubs, The Preteen, and Captain Awesome.  And a West Highland White Terrier, Roxie:

This is her "I can't believe you brought home another
fucking dog" face. She's probably also contemplating
how to kill me and/or Sampson in our sleep. 

And a Bull Mastiff, Sampson:

He looks very cute and calm in this picture.  It doesn't
last long.  And he's probably put on a good 10 lbs
and four inches since then.  He's going to be a hoss.
A big, dumb, hoss. Who army crawls because he's
that lazy.  And hates the outdoors.  "You want me to go
OUT? Whatev.  Carry me, human."

Let me describe to you exactly what is going on in my house at this exact moment.  The Preteen just walked out the door to get the bus, Captain Awesome is doing the coo-coo bird dance with Jack on Jack's Big Music Show (YES, the TV is on already.  Don't judge.)  Roxie is trying to show Sampson (who easily doubles her in size) that she rules his shit, and he ain't picking up on it too quickly.  So there's some snarling, and barking, and yipping, and whining, and oh, now Roxie is running down the hall and Sampson is galloping.  Seriously, he gallops.  And he tries to hump her constantly.  He's not fixed yet, but she is, so we won't have any mutant dumb galloping fuzzballs running around, but I really don't want to answer "Mom, WHY IS SAMPSON DOING THAT???"  Quinn just shoved three pieces of cereal bar in his mouth, turned on the light, the ceiling fan, and dumped the crumbs off his plate onto the floor, and is now licking the plate and going "ahhh", like it was a hugely refreshing drink.

I'm going to vacuum in about 3.5 minutes, and although I'm certainly not talented enough (yet) to blog and vac at the same time, this is what's going to happen. Quinn will chase me with the vacuum trying to sit on it, the dogs will chase me trying to attack the vacuum, because obviously it is this alien being trying to abduct me, or something.  The rest of the time will be me, yelling at all three to get the hell out of the way, and if "ALL Y'ALL DIDN'T LIVE HERE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS 2174981 TIMES A DAY!"  Then, I'll nuke the coffee that has gotten cold, contemplate the meaning of life, and wish we had a bottle of Bailey's in the fridge.


  1. Mmmm, Baileys! I get the Baileys coffee creamer, which guarantees the coffee in the cup doesn't last long enough to be cold.

    Sounds like a fairly typical day (weekend) at my house minus the angst over the chores the teens can't believe I would wake them prior to noon to accomplish.

    Ah, life is grand especially when you have to worry about mowing the dog who is too stupid not to stand out there and bark as I draw close with the blades of death.


  2. Who has Boones Farm in the fridge? This girl. Be jealous.