You know, we all are flawed people. There is no such thing as a perfect human being; we may have been made in His image, but He also granted us free will, therein allowing us to screw up all over the place. Learn something, humans! Yeah, about that...
I can pinpoint the minute my self-esteem took a nose-dive. I was in fifth grade. My Violet is in the fifth grade. Don't think I don't stare at that pink elephant every day. I do. And I'm trying my damnedest to make sure that that girl knows her self-worth. Luckily for her, being a member of this society, she is thin, and absolutely beautiful. I was chubby with bad hair, not great clothes, and I was the new kid at school. May I remind you that Kelly rhymes with jelly and belly? Hence, the little masons inside started bricking up those walls at lightening speed, starting at age TEN.
I look at photos of myself at age 17 and wonder why I hated myself so much. I look at me now, and my flaws and imperfections - they're ME. This body has walked an unknown number of miles, brought life into this world, danced, ran through sprinklers, felt the power of a horse beneath it - how quick we are to call babies miracles, yet forget that we are walking ones ourselves?
Learning to find the beauty in ourselves for those of us who truly don't believe the compliments we've been/are given is a daunting task - like trying to climb up an icy hill with high heels on. Over the past few days, at the age of 35, I've realized the skies are finally parting for me and I'm finally starting to get it. Starting to truly understand that I am a person who deserves to be happy and to be proud of herself and to not get all Stuart Smalley on y'all, but dammit, I am good people. I have an amazing family who raised me right, yet despite that, in my 20s, I got dealt a pile of shit. But now? I am going to slam these bones down and yell, "DOMINO, MOTHERFUCKER!", because for the first time in my life, I feel how I've wanted to feel for years - strong, determined, loved, able, and willing - not meek, tattered, and broken. These demons will be exorcised.
I think I just had a Towanda moment. I am in need of a viking helmet.
Towanda! Ha. Oh, Kel . . . you are good enough, you are smart enough, and gosh darnit, I LIKE YOU. I think for all of us it is an uphill battle to really find the good in ourselves. I struggle with it daily. I was also an awkward, chubby, braces wearing, frizzy haired pre-teen. I still see myself like that all the time. I try really hard to believe I am good enough. I thank everything good and decent that I have found a bunch of people like yourself out there in the ethos who have made me feel better about myself by just accepting my brand of crazy and reveling in it. I'm glad you found your upswing. Keep up the good feelings, because you are rad girl. Did you see my post yesterday? Yeah, you know I love ya!
ReplyDeleteGrab your Superman cape and let's tear this shit up! I love you, Kelly. You are an amzing, powerful, bright and funny woman who puts up with me AND Misty. . .few can make such a claim. ;)
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