I'd rather be waterboarded.

I've discovered a torture that would make even the most die-hard criminal (you know, Martha Stewart) break.  INFOMERCIALS (I know I've went on and on about this before, but evidently the powers that be give no shits as to what I think, since they're still airing these pathetic excuses for advertising.).  If I was privy to state secrets, or if I was an undercover CIA agent, or whatever, just make me watch fucking "as seen on tv" shit on a loop or ambulance chasing commercials and I'd spill my guts quicker than you can say "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

Let's start off with a trip to As Seen On TV land, shall we?  (Not to be confused with the channel, TV Land, although I don't go there either.  Maybe I should.  My 10 year old did make me feel about 87 this morning.)  My insomnia means that I watch a lot of crap TV.  There was a time when my bank account became very nervous when I'd have a bout of it, but that's when they had cool shit for sale on TV, like YEARS of SNL on VHS.  You know I bought THAT.  


Okay.  Tell me who the eff needs an Eggie?

Marketing geniuses, they are.

How many hardboiled eggs does one person need?  And really, if you're boiling more than a dozen, well, just fuck that, because your house is going to stink.  Also?  Is it that much of a pain in the ass to peel an egg?

Hey you!  Yes, you!  Do you ever get up in the night and wish you had a light to help you find the bathroom?  Need a snack?  Check on your kids?  How about those pesky errands you need to run in the middle of the night?  Look no further!  We gots lights on these here slippers!  Are you fucking kidding me?

It's now available in pink and navy blue.  I knew you wanted to know, so I doublechecked for you.  Also in kids' sizes!  (How's that for some effing customer service??)

The people on these commercials - I'm just going to throw it out there - I'm concerned for their mental health. No one talks in EXCLAMATION! POINTS! ALL! THE! TIME!  I think someone(s) need to submit for a urinalysis.  It's intervention time.  And these celebrity cameos?  Are you broke?  I don't care that The Bieb or Avril Lavigne uses Proactive or whatever it's called.  You're a kid.  You're gonna get zits.  Get over it.

I really need to find something else to do at 3 AM when I can't sleep.  I'd better make a trip to Hobby Lobby and find a project that does not need a sewing machine or a glue gun, because I can't guarantee my own safety when I'm that tired.