Thursday, December 8, 2011

An Open Letter To My Dogs:

Let me start off with I love you.  I do.  Honest.  Even though after you read this, you may not think so, I really do.  You love me unconditionally, which I truly appreciate, and sometimes I think you may be the only ones who do.  That being said:

One of you is seven.  One of you is two months.  My expectations of each of you are a little bit different, considering the amount of time each of you has been on earth.  BUT: coming IN the house and peeing on the floor after being OUTSIDE is unacceptable.  You were just fricking outside!  If you had to pee, why didn't you do it before you whined to be let in?!  You obviously knew you needed to go!  Pee outside.  OUTSIDE.  And poop there, too.

Roxie, I know that puppy food is yummy.  However, you're already a little chubby heifer, and so you have to eat your grown-up-dog-who-is-a-fatass food.  Sampson is going to be 18 times bigger than you are by summer.  He needs his Flinstones.  Back off.

Sampson, fucking eat when you have the chance.  I'm not a waitress at a diner.

Roxie, stop fucking barking.  If you wanted out, why did you just come in?

Sampson, GO OUTSIDE ON YOUR OWN.  I'm not going to carry you out when you're 150 pounds.  You're not in trouble, I just don't want you to pee on my floor.  Again.

To the both of you:  my living room is not, contrary to popular belief, either a NASCAR track or a WWF ring.  Again, go outside.  And stop bleeding on my floor.

Sampson, Captain Awesome is not a chew toy.  Neither is my sock that is on my foot.  There are 4718947 chewies around here.  Find one.

Roxie, learn to share.  I mean, shit - in dog years, you're 49 years old.

To the both of you:  I know you fart.  Everyone farts.  Well, except me.  But could you spare me the watering eyes and nausea by just walking out of my immediate area to do so rather than cropdusting me?  It would be greatly appreciated.  Sampson, I'm surprised I don't have streak marks on my pants in the vicinity of your butt, and Rox?  The back of the recliner?  I think it is beyond Febreze or napalm at this point.

Despite all that, I wouldn't trade you for the world.  Well at least not this very second.  I'm sure my thoughts on that will change several times before I go to bed tonight.

Love, Mommy


  1. OMG, the fucking barking to go out when you just came back in and vice versa? My dog does that ALL THE DAMN TIME!! I hate that beast. And not in a "I really love you but hate you right now" way. I just sort of hate her. I know that makes me evil.

  2. There are very few things worse than being crop dusted by a dog! We have a dog that barks pretty much nonstop, she drives us insane...

  3. Misty, some dogs just aren't likable. Sad, but true. Just like people. You're not evil, you just call it as you see it.

    Paula, I'm seriously wondering if I have permanent damage to my sense of smell. when Quinn is a teenager, that might not be a bad thing, come to think of it...

  4. My female Chihuahua used to go outside and come inside to pee. She would wine at the door for 20 minutes and she would come in and pee on the floor. I'm convinced she was thinking "Pleeease let me in I have to PEE!"

  5. I tell my dogs there is a one letter difference between the words 'pet' and 'pelt' all the time. They pay no attention.

  6. I needed a good change of pants... Very funny.

    My two are 4 and 5 year old boy Boston Terriers. Totally spastic. Total gassers, that make the wind and then look up like "what was that?"