1. Set out a potluck dinner on the counter within reach of a two year old. In my defense, who knew his arms were that long? I thought they were T-Rex short, but turns out, he can reach a plate of hamburgers (they weren't fresh off the grill, so no burn hazard, just in case CPS is tracking my blog), pull them down, and chow his way through parts of three different ones while strategically placing the rest on the floor.
1a. Two year olds are ninjas.
1b. Give a two year old a plastic
2. Placing toddler locks on doors when having a BBQ that will eventually result in several intoxicated grown men needing tutorials on how to open said doors. (Yes, tutorials was plural on purpose.) Oh, and tutorials on how to open the toilet lock. Which may or may not be slightly uncomfortable for both teacher (who is surrounded by drunk guys needing to pee) and guys who need to pee. Real bad. Right now. At least they came inside to use the toilet instead of peeing off the deck, which is amazing in itself.
2a. Please refer to 1a if you are concerned with all the lockdown goings on in my home.
3. Providing deviled eggs to a crowd of hungry men who loooooooooooooooove deviled eggs results in needing several candles and bottles of Febreze. And a spare room in which to either kick your husband into, or to go to yourself in the very early hours of the morning.
4. Cleaning up beer cans after a party so your kids don't realize how much you drink really doesn't matter when your husband tells your kid to take the bags that are strangely light because they're full of cans out to the trash bin.
4a. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.
4b. Kids will also go on cooler runs for you if you let them play Wii until they can't see straight during a grown up party.
4c. Kids will also perform party tricks (such as "Hey go tell so and so bla bla bla) for the low low price of a dollar.
5. When your husband feeds your toddler baked beans, prepare for an ungodly amount of dirty diapers the next day or two.
6. Leaving the ice cream carton on the top of the stove while the brownies are baking WILL soften the ice cream. Great, if you want to drink it.
7. Never send "the good spoon" or a dish you ever plan on seeing again with your husband to a work potluck.
8. Drunk men will try to talk you into giving your kid a mullet because "They're coming BACK! I swear!"
9. Putting vapor rub on anyone isn't pleasant. However, when its your kid, and you accidentally get some in their mouth instead of under their nose, the dancing/screaming/hullabaloo is something you really should videotape. And then show to their first boyfriend. And at their high school graduation. And at their wedding.
10. When your husband tells you "But I'm not lactose intolerant anymore!" while drinking a huge glass of milk, run away as though aliens are invading. Run, click your heels, dig a hole in the backyard and use it as a bunker - collect everything important to you and take it with you, but go nowhere near his ass. You've been warned.