Fucking commercials. I mean, REALLY.

I have to hand it to the advertising people.  You can make me go from angry to disgusted to laughing to crying in the three minute break you're provided in between real tv.  Somehow, I don't think that I give you exactly the response you were looking for.  Actually, probably not even close.  For example:

Cialis/Viagra/Extenze/etc.

First of all, I am not a dude.  This would mean that I do not suffer from erectile dysfunction, because I do not have the appropriate plumbing.  That should be enough, but it's not, is it?  Nope.  Watching Jimmy Johnson and his immovable hair (I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before, but it is disturbing enough to warrant a re-mention) talk about needing pills to perk up his pecker is enough to make me never want to eat again, much less have sex.  "Bob" and his megawatt smile because he can get a boner in the circa 1950s-esque situations just makes me feel like he's the creeper version of Ward Cleaver.  Beaver Cleaver's dad.  This shit just writes itself, doesn't it?!  Cialis - seriously, I don't care if I'm married to the hottest man alive, I don't want to take a bath out in the woods.  First of all, who dragged the tub out there?  If it's about to be sexy time, shouldn't we be in the same tub?  And really, if my husband gets a four hour erection, I doubt we'll be running to the emergency room.  *eyebrow waggle*

ASPCA

I love animals.  I can't bear the thought of anything happening to my dog.  But stop with the guilt.  My pet is loved, well-taken care of, and spayed.  You can also stop with the music that makes me want to perform haikus at poetry slams.  *snap snap*

DOUG

Dude, I get it.  You have mesothelioma.  I'm sure it is a horrible thing to go through, and trust me, I am sympathetic to your plight.  However, your commercial is on so much that the ambulance chasers you did the ad for probably light their cigars with lit Benjamins.

19.95/19.99/THREE EASY PAYMENTS!

These commercials drive me to the brink.  My dad and I this summer made it a game - "Will it be $19.95 or $19.99??? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!"  Not only that, everything that is under $20, my daughter thinks is the bargain of the year, and "MOM YOU NEED THIS! THEY HAVE SUPPORT STOCKINGS FOR NINETEEN NINETY-FIVE AND YOU GET A PAIR FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  Yo, I might be older than the interwebs, but I don't need fricking support hose.  Or a hearing aid.  I'm choosing to ignore you, I'm not hearing impaired.

NUTRISYSTEM

I am so fricking tired of Marie Osmond's face, I can hardly see straight.  Great, you lost 50 pounds!  That really is awesome!  Now, what's your excuse for your hair?  At least when The Trainwreck Formerly Known as Kirstie Alley was the spokesperson for Jenny Craig we got some entertainment from her antics.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:  "People in advertising, you left your A game at home.  Your B and C game, too.  STOP MAKING ME CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHEN YOUR SHIT COMES ON.  It takes entirely too much energy for my thumb to push the button.  Bring back the Budweiser Lizards.  THAT was fricking genius.  You're welcome.  Love, Kelly."