Friday, November 4, 2011

Dear Crappy Cable Company:

How do I loathe thee?  Let me count the ways:

1) You suckered me in to your shitty service with the price of your tv/phone/interwebz package.  Money talks, unfortunately.  Thanks for that two year "locked in" rate, meaning I can't get out of this bullshit.

2)  It's raining.  Not snowing, not hurricane-ing, not tornado-ing.  Raining.  So tell me why a little bit of rain should affect my tv and phone and internet!  Besides, aren't cables underground?

3)  Your new "service" of calling me a few days before my bill is due might be convenient for some people.  I find it fucking annoying.  Call me when you're about to shut off my service due to my brain either not remembering to pay you or refusing to because you suck, not before.  While we're on the subject of you calling me, if I want HBO or Starz or whatever, I'm pretty sure I can figure out how to get in touch with you to order it, since I was able to find your stupid number to set up your shittastic service in the first place.  Leave. Me. Alone.

4)  Is there a reason that other companies have 8629471 more channels in HD than you do?  Maybe I'm spoiled, but once you go HD, you don't go back.  FIX IT.

5)  This may make me a horrible person, but 99.99999% of the time that I call (or one of you call me), I can barely understand the person due to their unintelligible "English".  Help me help you by giving me someone to talk to that I can understand.  (obviously, this is not just a complaint with my shitty cable company.  I could go on and on about this topic.)

6)  I don't think there's ever been a time that your "automated customer service rep" has ever been able to solve my problem.  People were invented for a reason.  I don't want to talk to a fucking robot, who can't distinguish whether I said "YES" "NO" "CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE" or "FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FUCK OF A FUCKING EXCUSE FOR A ROBOT".

7)  When our service was interrupted on a Thursday due to one of your dipshit technicians sawing through OUR lines instead of the neighbors, and you couldn't get anyone to fix it until the following Wednesday, crediting my account more than $3.79 would have been really fucking nice.  Since I pay more than that per day to have your service.  Helpful.

8)  Changing your cable boxes to touchscreens might be super cool.  Except when you have little kids who love to push buttons and fuck all your shit up.  Options are nice.  Upgrades aren't always better.  Besides, who gets up to push buttons or a touchscreen?  That's why God invented remotes, jackholes.

I think that the above pretty much covers it.  That is, until the next time I have to deal with you people.



  1. Right the fuck on, baby.

    Rule 1 For Being Hired By a Cable Company: Be a moron.

    Rule 2 For Being Hired By a Cable Company: Be from the Taiwan and don't speak English.

    Rule 3 For Being Hired By a Cable Company: Have limited depth perception.

    I could go on. And on. And on.

    Oh, if only I weren't so addicted to Discovery ID... CURSE YOU, TIME WARNER!!!

  2. Ohhhhh, I love me some Discovery ID... In HD. Which we don't get!!! ARGH!!!!!

  3. I flippin' hate cables companies! All of them suck and charge waaaaay too much money and then they sucker you into all of these packages and make it impossible for your bill to be under $150 every month.

  4. right on! back in the 70's we didn't have to pay to watch the same re-runs all day long or the cable, drug company, bank, credit card co.s, insurance co.s bullshit commercials all day long . they were free on 2-5-7&9. nothing pee's me off more than hearing how much Chase bank is there for me. all their trying to do is get in our pockets. they ruined the whole economy with their GREEDY unethical practices and then we bailed them out. Well nobody bailed Me out. I haven't worked in 3 yrs., going on 4. Well, one positive came out of it. With the downturn in the economy, guess what the first thing to go was? CABLE TV! And I'll never buy it again! Antenna tv Isn't that bad and remember the commercial are free.