Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My husband should trade me in for a new model: Episode 2.

Okay folks, time for the second installment on how to get fired from being a wife:

1. MAKE YOUR HOME HIS REFUGE: Let your home be a haven were your husband can retreat from the stresses of life. Do your best to make it a pleasant environment. Well, in all honesty, he does have a refuge. We have a bonus room in the house where the big tv and the playstation is. And it's not so much a place to retreat as it is to hide from the kids and the mess and the cartoons and the yelling and the whining and the tantrums and (do you see where I'm going with this? We have kids. And a dog. There is no such thing as an entire home having a pleasant environment at this time in our lives.)

2. CHECK BEFORE THROWING THINGS AWAY: If your husband has some things that seem useless to you, don't trash them until you've made sure he doesn't need them. But you just told me to create a "pleasant environment"! And having shit lying around is not pleasant! Seriously, Captain Obvious, if there is something work-related or I don't know what it is, I don't throw it away without asking, but I'll remind you that I'm married to someone who thinks that putting trash on the counter BY the trash can is throwing it away.

3. GIVE HIM A ROMANTIC CARD: Don't wait for a special occasion to give him a card. Find the most romantic card you can find and leave it in his car. Don't forget to add your own personal message! Maybe you'll even make him nervous, wondering if he forgot an anniversary! Oh, so now just signing my name isn't enough? What if the card said everything I needed it to? Wait. A card? You want me to buy a romantic card. I need to stop laughing and wipe the tears away before I can type any further. Obviously this woman works for Hallmark, not Bluntcard.

4. LET HIM BUY THAT TOY: Permit him to buy that toy he's been wanting so badly. Better yet, put some of your own things off, save the money and buy it for him yourself! Permit him?? That would insinuate he asks permission before he buys the next Call of Duty, SOCOM, or Battlefield. And put some of my own things off? Lady, go run around this house real quick and tell me what I've bought for myself lately besides shampoo. Go on. I'll wait.

5. RUB HIS FEET: Steer him to the recliner and pull off his shoes. Rub his feet for at least 20 minutes. It has been told that this may even improve his health! I. Don't. Do. Feet. I don't even like my OWN feet. He wants his feet rubbed, he can go get a pedicure. Or hell, make one of the kids do it. Isn't that why we have kids? To do the stuff we don't want to? Like pick up dog poop in the backyard.

6. MAKE YOUR BEDROOM A LOVER'S PARADISE: Turn your ordinary bedroom into any lover's dream without a lot of expense. Remove clutter and anything that doesn't belong, and replace it with scented candles and fresh flowers. Hang pretty curtains and find some comfy bedding. Place mirrors to reflect candlelight, and misting fountains for a romantic effect. Oh, where to begin... Scented candles, fresh flowers, pretty curtains, mirrors, and misting fountains - what smut novel are we living in? This sounds something straight out of Lady Chatterly rather than "I can't wait for the kids to go to bed so we can too, and maybe if we both can muster up the energy we'll do it quick and then fall asleep by 930." Besides, if either he or I walked in to a bedroom that was set up like that, I'm certain we'd burn more calories laughing than having sex.

There's more. Lots more. I think I'll probably be divorced by the end of the week, at this rate.


  1. Oh my fucking gawd!! That shit is fan-freaking-unbelievable! Who wrote that tripe, Miss Manners and June Cleaver's illegitimate daughter?

    Oh, and I think you may be living in my house. Or more probably, living in my head. Because you are me. Right now. Stop it. It's freaking me out!

  2. Isn't it fantastic? I mean, really, this was a GOLD MINE. Obviously, this woman has no kids, no pets, no job, reads nothing but True Romance, and has no life. And I say that in the nicest way possible.