Sunday, November 6, 2011

My husband should trade me in for a new model: Episode 1

So, I was spending quality time on ye olde Pinterest this morning, and came across this blog that had "101 Ways to Be Nice to Your Husband" or some shit like that.  So, I clicked on it.  And what I read made me simultaneously choke on my coffee and wonder why I'm still married, since according to this blog I fall into the "shittiest wife alive" category.  This is evidenced by the following:

  1. TEXT HIM A LOVE MESSAGE: Send him a romantic text message on his cell. Make sure it's sweet but spicy! Okay.  I text him "love you" all the time.  I'm so sweet.  Spicy via text?  Uh, I know the guys he works with.  I also know they get a hold of his phone occasionally.  Probably not going to happen.  The last three text conversations with Hubs? 
    1. Him: Bring me a beer upstairs, will you? Me: Get it yourself, asshat.
    2. Him: Want to order a pizza? Me: Yesssssssssss.
    3. Me: We're out of beer. Him: You go get it. Me: Fuck you.  You go get it. Him: Please? Me: Fiiiiiiiiiiiine.
  2. DO ONE OF HIS CHORES FOR HIM: Pick a chore that he dreads, such as mowing the lawn, and do it for him. Watch him as he sighs with relief. Eh, well, I'm a stay at home mom.  I do all the chores.  With the exception of the lawn, and occasionally he'll take out the trash.  PS - he LIKES to mow.  He was pissed that I hired it done while he was deployed in case they (you know, the professionals) should screw it up.
  3. START A HOBBY TOGETHER: Sharing a hobby together such as horse back riding, completing a home improvement project, or selling on eBay can help keep you close. Ok, we don't have a horse, we don't own our house, and we attempted selling shit on eBay rather than having a yard sale and almost killed each other in the process.  What we do together is drink beer and watch football.  Hobby?  I'm counting it.
Folks, it just keeps getting better.  Stay tuned for episode two.  I'd better stock up on the tissues for when the new wife shows up.  And the champagne.  


  1. Number 3 is a bad idea for any couple who isn't Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore making pottery. My wife and I tried to make fresh apple cider and it almost ended in the Jack Lalanne Power Juicer being used in a bludgeoning.

  2. This woman is unknowingly sending people to the emergency room and divorce court. *slow clap*