Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Wherefore art thou, sleep?

For reasons unknown, sleep runs away from me, stops just out of my reach, and taunts me, just like the damned squirrels who run amok in our yard until the dog goes outside, then shimmy up the fence and stick their little squirrel tongues out at her.  Fucking squirrels.  Anyway, I'm exhausted.  I feel like I could sleep for days.  I even went to bed early last night with the hopes of getting some rejuvenating zzz's.

What happened last night was this:  I feed the kids and fix a plate for the Hubs to eat when he gets home.  Get daughter to attempt to take a shower in less than an hour, and get son in his pjs.  At this point, he is begging to go to bed.  I'm thinking, this is great!  He'll be in bed, I'll get the girl in bed, and I'll go to bed right after!  I'll be in bed by 9, easy!  Well, I was in bed by 9, listening to the boy moshing in his bed, and having the time of his life.  I was also listening to the Hubs, snoring away in dreamland.  (This is where I would normally spout off in a jealous rage about how he can put his head on a fricking rock and fall asleep in seconds, and I might still in a little bit.  I haven't decided yet.)  Anyway, I figure I'd better go regulate on the boy and at least attempt to do something motherly and tell him to go to sleep, so I go in his room and there is stuff EVERYWHERE, so I pick it up (while he's giggling because I'm a huge sucker), I give him a hug, tell him to go the fuck to sleep (well, not really, but I wanted to) and I trudge back to bed.  And as soon as I get my covers situated, I have to pee.  So I go to the bathroom, feeling like I'm going to fall asleep on the toilet, get back to bed, remove my covers from the clutches of the Hubs, get comfy, close my eyes, and I am WIDE. FUCKING. AWAKE. and really pissed off about it.  So I get the iPad, check Facebook, play a little Words with Friends, check email, check it again, go back to Facebook, read two chapters on my Kindle, look at the clock, and it's now 11:30. PM.  As in, I've pissed away two and a half hours of sleep because I can't pass out, for whatever reason.  And Hubs' alarm will go off at 4:00 and then I have to get up at 7:00, and I'm not even close to falling asleep.

I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but the air raid alarm clock blasted me out of bed at 4:00, and the boy woke me up with his squeals of well-rested glee at 6:30.  A quick peek in the mirror only confirmed my suspicions - I look like Medusa mated with a Shar-Pei and had a baby.

The Hubs just called.  Here is a transcript:

Him:  "How'd you sleep?"
Me: "Oh, okay.  You?"
Him: "Like absolute crap.  I didn't get much sleep at all."
Me: "Uh.... ::siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh:: that's too bad, I hope today gets better for you." ::begins bashing head into wall::


  1. Chuckweasel is also a "head on pillow, begin snoring immediately" person. I sometimes fantasize about things to do to him while he's sleeping... and I'm NOT. Pretty much I just talk to him. so then when he says I didn't tell him something, he's a goddamn liar because I totally DID.

  2. Exactly.

    You totally reminded me of "So I Married An Axe Murderer" when she talks about sticking a needle in his ear when he's asleep and he's all sorts of freaked out. Man, I love that movie.