Friday, November 11, 2011

My husband should trade me in for a new model: Episode 5.

Well, here it is.  The last installment.  I have to say that this has been an interesting week in Wife School.  I think it's safe to say that I failed with flying colors, although I have a new-found appreciation for Valium, gin, and plastic-covered furniture.

1.  BUY HIM SOME SEXY BOXERS: Buy several pairs of sexy shorts for him! Try silky, colorful, and glow in the dark! Make sure you tell him what a hunk he is while he's wearing them! Okaaaaay... maybe it's just me, but "silky, colorful, and glow in the dark" boxers just screams bad 80s porn to me.  As far as getting sexy goes, I don't need to feel his boxers, because isn't the point being out of them?  I also think using the term "hunk" went out because of 80s porn.  

2.  WEAR THE LINGERIE HE LOVES: Some wives love it, some dread it, but just make sure you wear it! First of all, I'm not the lingerie wearing type, as evidenced by the Nebraska t-shirt and yoga pants I wore to bed last night - which I also wore all day yesterday, don't judge.  Besides, the last time I wore something sexier than usual to bed, he didn't even notice.  I'm fortunate to be married to a man who finds me wearing one of his shirts sexy.  

3.  PLAY HIDE AND GO SEEK IN YOUR NIGHTIES: Put on your sexiest negligee and challenge him to a game of hide and go seek. He'll say, "Ready or not, here I come!" Fuck. This.  If he's saying "ready or not, here I come", I highly doubt it's gonna be during a game of hide and seek... unless that's what they're calling it these days.  Please see part 2 in reference to my "sexiest negligee".  And really, I have kids.  Chances are, I've played "chase the kids" all day long, and since I kind of am claustrophobic, and fuck it - I hate hide and seek.  There.  I said it.  I'm pretty sure I've established in a previous post what a weenie I am about suspenseful/scary shit, so hiding in my house somewhere from someone who is coming to find me is not my idea of foreplay, but rather has me feeling I need to be armed.

4.  MAKE LOVE UNDER THE STARS: Find a secluded place and throw out a sleeping bag. Make love by the moonlight as you gaze at the stars.  Does this really happen outside of cheesy movies and Cialis commercials?  The idea of sticks and rocks gouging me while I'm going at it probably ensures that I'll be a little distracted, not to mention that a) I live in town, so there is no secluded places that aren't already taken by teenagers and dirty old men watching said teenagers, and 2) if we are able to find a place where no one has taken, there's probably going to be critters watching.  And really, I could be comfortable doing it in my own house and letting the dog watch, if that's the case.

    Happy Friday, y'all.  Thanks for going on this educational journey with me.  It's been...real.  Real weird.

    1 comment:

    1. Holy shit! How did I miss this one? Well, because of my negligence, I demand you immediately take a his and hers bath out under the stars. Let me know when you figure out how that works when you are both encased in 2 seperate tubs about a foot apart, ok? Get to it!