Ahh, the holidays. When family is forced to be together and the booze eventually flows freely in order to be able to tolerate each other. Actually, I love my family, and I love spending time with them. My brother and I revert to being 12 years old, we try to fire up my dad by seeing how many times we can say "fuck" before he tells us that we're a bunch of heathens and starts drinking before noon, and I tend to forget I have children for a while. Unfortunately, Brother Trucker wasn't here this weekend, but it was fun nonetheless. So, without further adieu, here is a list of the more memorable comments made over the course of the weekend:
Mom: "You know those Sing-A-Ma-Jig things? Their mouths look like puckered assholes."
Me: "Get your foot out of my armpit."
Me: "Hey Dad? Fuckity fuck fuck fuck."
Dad: "Kelly, you can be a real asshole. It's a good thing I love you."
Mom: "Your new dog is going to shit piles that are bigger than your other dog." (WE'RE GETTING A PUPPEEEEEEEEEEE! More details later.)
Daughter: "Mom, can you pretty much do whatever Dad can do?"
Me: "Yep. Except pushups and I have to pee sitting down."
After putting together the trampoline we got the kids for Christmas since it was 65 degrees here almost all weekend (and now it is fucking 35 and raining, go figure), daughter says, "I'm not sure buying us this was a really smart thing to do, since it's almost winter." To which I reply, "Well, I was running out of things to do to make you mad, so I figured a trampoline in the backyard that you can't use would be the perfect solution to that problem."
Me: "I would never ever act like those women on Maury, because I'm a lady. And fragile."
Everyone else: Laughing until they needed Depends.
Guest at Dinner: "I'm just going to stick this in there real quick."
Me: "That's what she said."
Guest: Look of disbelief.
Me: "Can someone get me a beer?"
Me: "Why is all the wine gone??"
Me: "If cheesecake for breakfast is wrong, I don't want to be right."
Niece on the phone: "Aunt Kelly, I didn't want to talk to YOU."
Me: "I'm taking your Christmas presents back if you're going to talk to me like that."
Niece: "I love you, Aunt Kelly."
Me: "That's what I thought."
I can't wait for Christmas.