Wednesday, November 9, 2011

My husband should trade me in for a new model: Episode 3

I don't even know what to say to get this ball rolling, except I'm seriously considering attempting these "suggestions" and documenting the Hubs' reaction, which may be even funnier than this bullshit this woman is trying to schlep.  

1.  WRITE A NOTE ON THE STEAMED-UP BATHROOM MIRROR: While your husband is showering, sneak in and write, "I love you" on the steamed-up bathroom mirror. This will steam him up as well, especially if you seal it with your lip prints! Hmm.  I guess part A of this idea is kind of sweet.  Except when you're a little OCD about things and know that it will leave marks on the mirror when the steam evaporates.  And then you have to clean it.  And even though you're OCD, you hate to clean and it causes this vicious cycle that inevitably ends up with you eating something you shouldn't.  Besides, Hubs showers at about 0345 every morning, and I'm not getting out of warmth and comfort to go scribble on the mirror.  As far as kissing the mirror goes?  Getting up on the sink to perform such a sweet act would be an interesting story to tell the paramedics when I most likely slip and fall and break my face on the faucet.

2.  PUT LOVE IN HIS SUDS: I'm talking about a bar of soap! Scratch "I love you" into his soap so he'll find it the next time he showers. (You may not want to seal this note with your lip prints, though).  She's witty, no?  First of all, who uses bar soap anymore unless you're camping, deployed, or are too much of a man to use a loofah?  And seriously, if you actually say you're too much of a man to use one, I'd bet there's one in your shower.  And you use it.  Even though it's your wife's.  It's no secret that mine smells like Old Spice Swagger when I get around to showering.  Besides, even if he DID use bar soap, I highly doubt he's inspecting it before he shoves it in his armpit. 

3.  PUT A SIGN IN YOUR YARD: Place a sign in your yard such as, "THE WORLD'S GREATEST HUSBAND LIVES HERE." Let everyone know how special your husband is to you. Where does this woman live?  Disneyland?  Seriously?  This just, man, I almost simultaneously choked and peed at the same time after reading this one.  No one is going to drive past your house with a big "AWW", they're going to think that some fricking nutjobs live on their street.  You might as well buy a powerwasher to battle the certain eggings that will happen, and not just on Halloween.

4.  LET BYGONES BE BYGONES: If your husband has done or said something to hurt you, forgive him. Don't keep bringing up the past every time you get into a disagreement, especially if he has shown remorse.  This is probably actually some sound advice.  Except if I let bygones be bygones, I wouldn't have any leverage or potential blog material.  And I do forgive.  But I don't forget.  Because someday that shit is gonna be funny, and I'm. Telling. EVERYONE.


  1. I just love all of the advice crap for women. Inevitably, like writing "I Love You" on the steamed-up mirror or on the soap, it's something that no man would ever come up with. Inevitably they are things a woman would enjoy having once in awhile. Like "blindfold him in bed" or "give him some potpourri and a massage."

    Women who want to make their men feel special can do three easy things that do not involve losing face and also do not even involve breaking routine:

    1) Tell him to put his feet up and watch TV and give him a beer (if he seems tired after work).

    2) Give him a blowjob.

    3) Give him a blowjob, then tell him to put his feet up and watch TV and give him a beer (if he seems tired after work).

    I do not mean to be piggish in any way. I really don't. If you don't like beer or oral sex, make him a big ass pizza and tell him to take the evening off. No need to be writing things or proclaiming loudly. Unless your man is a woman. Then, proclaim away.

  2. What, you don't want a sign in your yard? And you spoke the language of our house, certainly.

  3. *blink*


    If I drove past a house with a sign in the yard that said "World's greatest husband lives here" I'd think that someone lost a bet.

    I hope that woman has enough gas to drive back to the 1950s.

    My husband and I had a wager on the Monday night football game: Bears vs Eagles. (Eagles? I dunno. I picked the Bears.) I won. Our wager was "loser has to scrub the tub." Next week (Niners vs Giants) loser has to drive to Dunkin Donuts at 6 am and bring the other back coffee and donuts.

    That's marriage, yo.

    (Go Niners!!)

  4. P.S.

    And when I win (again I say, Go Niners!) and I get my coffee and donuts in the morning? Hubby will get laaaaaaaaaid that night.

    Win, win.

  5. Dani, I can only imagine that she's waiting at the door with martini for Ward.

    We do the football bets too, but it usually just results in the winner doing the happy dance and mocking the loser rather than any chore getting accomplished. Exhibit A: our still nasty ass master bath that the Hubs was supposed to clean a while ago. I refuse to do it though - he lost!

  6. That's it. I am going home tonight and putting up a big ass sign saying, "world's best husband lives here." Then I will have to go hire my ass a divorce attorney because the hubs will obviously think I'm having an affair. Either that, or he will think I have officially fallen straight off the deep end and will call the guys with the little white coats to come take me away to a, um, spa. Wait! I NEED a fucking break. That's it, I'm making that sign. I'll let you know what happens if they allow me blogging privileges at the "spa."

    (P.S. My catcha is "irledgad" which I think is a cousin of irregardless. Like "did he do it?" "Well, irledgadly." Hee. Yes, I crack myself up . . . what of it?

  7. Is she confused about what year this is? FYI it's 2011, not 1940. Who does this bullshit? Put a fucking SIGN in your yard? Seriously?! If J put a sign in the yard that said "the world's best wife lives here" I would rip it down and yell at him for making me look like a douche. Our neighbors would think we are crazy.
    I don't like her. I don't like her one bit.

  8. Well, the trick with the mirror is even fancier if you do it when you shower, then when he/she showers, it should reappear, unless the OCD has got ahold of you!

    To Wags point though, there are other ways to profess your love for him, that he will appreciate more.

    But really I think we all like some forethought (mind out of gutter please). It is super easy for me to tell my wife to go enjoy a bath. It requires a little more effort to prepare her bath before she gets home. The extra effort often results in extra effort on her part. (ease your mind back into the juvenile gutter)